


Numb and Broken

by thesmolestnerd



Category: The 100 (TV), The 100 Series - Kass Morgan
Genre: 3x07 didn't happen, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Clexa, Disability, F/F, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Hurt Lexa (The 100), Hurt/Comfort, I hope, Ice Nation - Freeform, Injury Recovery, Lexa Lives, Loving relationships, Major Character Injury, Medical Procedures, Paralysis, Protective Clarke, Raven is a bro, Smut, Stubborn Clarke, Stubborn Lexa, Suicidal Mentions, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Worried Clarke, clarke is not a big fan of Kane, don't worry it's unsuccessful, eventually, high lexa, it has it's funny moments, kane is the awkward step dad, lexa is though, marcus and abby are married, murphy is sorta junior flamekeeper for no fucking reson other than that i think it's comedy gold, no AI, she falls off a horse, this isn't one of those fics where the person magically gets better
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-26
Updated: 2017-11-07
Packaged: 2018-12-19 23:14:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 7,149
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11908224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesmolestnerd/pseuds/thesmolestnerd
Summary: It would have almost been funny, if Clarke could get Lexa’s screams out of her head.The almighty Commander of the 13 clans had nearly died because she had fallen off a horse.orLexa can't catch a break and gets bucked off her horse and ends up with a spinal injury. Clarke must give Lexa that love and hope she needs to keep on living.(Lexa didn't fight Nia or get shot by Titus. After killing Roan, she and Arkadia manage to stop Pike. No ALIE/city of light but Clarke and Murphy know the flame is an AI. How? Because I said so.)





	1. Clarke

**Author's Note:**

> So this is my first publish fanfic, so please be nice. Constructive criticism is welcome. I'm not super sure where I wanna go with this, so I'm open to suggestions. The first chapter is a little slow and short because I wanted to give it some background. I want to make this at least 15 chapters or so. I have the first couple written, so I'll post the next one tomorrow.

It would have almost been funny, if Clarke could get Lexa’s screams out of her head. 

The almighty Commander of the 13 clans had nearly died because she had fallen off a horse. Not just any horse either. Beo had been her trusty warhorse since she became Commander. And during a rare moment of escape Clarke and Lexa had together, the horse had gotten spooked.

“Lexa!” Clarke had screamed. She dismounted her own horse and landed next to her.

“Clarke,” Lexa gasped. Clarke shushed her. “Clarke…my b-back…” She coughed weakly and cried.

“Don’t move, baby,” she said. She pulled a radio. “This is Clarke to Arkadia. The Commander’s been injured. Send a jeep.”

“No, Clarke, I’m f-fine—” A scream ripped from her throat as she tried to move. Clarke out a hand on her shoulder.

“Hold still, Lexa.” Lexa bit her lip. The radio went off.

“This is Miller and Bellemy. Where are you?” Clarke paused. 

“About two clicks south of Arkadia,” she said. 

“On our way.” Lexa lifted her head. 

“I’m fine,” she said. “I just need to—” Clarke shot her a steely look. “This is unnecessary.” 

“We’ll see what my mom says.” Lexa tried not to let the fear show in her eye. Clarke snorted. “Faling off a horse is nothing, but facing my mom…” Lexa scoffed and winced.

It took too long for Bellemy and Miller to get there. 

“Clarke, um, it hurts,” Lexa said. She gasped. “I think there’s something wrong.” She let out a scream. 

And even after the jeep came and Lexa passed out, Clarke still couldn’t get Lexa’s screams out of head.

She jumped at a sudden hand on her shoulder. Abby stood behind her, grim faced. 

“She made it through surgery,” she said. “Lexa’s alive.” 

“Oh thank God, mom,” said Clarke. She buried her face in her mom’s shirt. Abby stroked her hair.

“She’s going to have a long road to recover ahead of her,” said Abby. “She has an injury around T1-C8. It’s an incomplete spinal injury, so she might be able to regain some function.” Clarke lifted her head from Abby’s chest. 

“How high is she paralyzed?” she asked.

“Clarke…”

“How high is she paralyzed, Mom?” Abby sighed. 

“Chest down. She can breathe on her own, but she’ll have virtually no feeling in her legs ad weakness in her arms,” Abby said. Clarke nodded slowly.

“But she’s alive?” asked Clarke.

“She’s alive,” Abby confirmed. Clarke sniffled and rubbed the tears from her eyes. “Would you like to see her?” Clarke nodded. 

The two of them got up and headed down the cold sterile halls of Arkadia’s med bay. She tried not to think about what would happen to Lexa. The Commander of the 13 clans reduced to a bedridden paraplegic. That wouldn’t sit very well with the Grounders. 

“She’s still sleeping off the anesthetic,” said Abby. “She’ll be out for a little while longer.” Clarke nodded and wiped her eyes again.

Abby lead her down the hall.

“I need to keep an eye on her, so I had her sleep in the main bay,” she said. “Once she’s doing better, I’ll move her somewhere more private.” Clarke nodded. Abby stopped and pulled back a curtain.

“Lexa…” Lexa was on her side. Her eyes were closed and an oxygen mask sat over her nose and mouth. Tubes and wires hung off her and the bed. 

Clarke rushed to her side and kissed her forehead.  
“Lexa, baby, it’s okay,” Clarke said. She gently ran her hand through Lexa’s hair. “You’re safe.” Lexa looked so small and so young wrapped tightly in blankets. Her hair had fallen out of her braids and was bloody at the ends. 

Abby placed a basin of water and a cloth on the table next to Lexa.

“Call me if you need anything,” she said. She pulled the curtain closed around them. Clarke began wiping the blood off of Lexa’s face.

“You’re okay. I’m here.”


	2. Lexa

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa wakes up and some cute clexa moments insue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all of the kind comments and kudos. I'm about to start my college classes on Monday, so I don't know how often I'll be able to update this. I'm definitely going to try to get chapter 3 out for you before this weekend is over and maybe chapter 4. I love the idea of stoned Lexa being a sucker for Clarke, so I'm milking it for all it's worth before I get into some heavy shit. As always, kudos, comments, and constructive criticism/suggestions are always super appreciated.

When Lexa came to, the first thing she was aware of was how thirsty she was. The second was that she was definitely not in her bed. The furs weren’t soft enough. In fact, they didn’t feel like furs at all. Her head ached dully. There was a sharp stab in her back. She groaned. 

“Shh…baby, you’re okay.” She opened her eyes.

She was not in her room.

She was not in Polis.

Lexa tried to look around, but her body felt heavy. Had she been trapped? Had the Mountain Men captured her? Everything was white. It could be. Could it? 

Something painful itched in her arm. A strange tube stuck from there. She reached for it with a shaky hand.

“Lexa, no.” 

There was definitely something wrong. She pushed herself up.

“Lexa, you’re okay. Please relax.” Someone pushed her shoulder back. 

Lexa flinched. And then she fought. She threw her arms out catching someone on the shoulder. She reached over and ripped out the tubes and wires and the odd plastic thing over her face. 

“Stop! You’re in Arkadia! Lexa, it’s me, baby. It’s Clarke.” Lexa kept thrashing. The Maunon could not have her. If she was going to die she was going to put up a good fight. She ignored the pains in her body. Odd spots formed over her vision.

“Lexa. Look at me. It’s Clarke.” Oh no. They had Clarke here too.

“No! Clarke! Run!” Lexa screamed. Shoes squeak on floors. The sound made Lexa’s head pound worse.

“What’s going on?”

“I think she’s hallucinating or something. Mom, you have to help her!” A hand grabbed Lexa’s arm.

“No.” She couldn’t let them touch her. She couldn’t let them inject her. She had to save Clarke. Clarke couldn’t end up like—like Anya. 

A sob ripped from Lexa throat. A warm hand settled on her forehead.

“Lexa, relax. You’re okay…” Her chest felt heavy, like they had when Anya almost let her drown when she was a nightblood. Images of the white ceiling and of the top of a lake merged together in her mind. There were more hands on her. She didn’t think she had the energy to fight them.

“Cl-clarke…” she gasped.

“Shh…I’m right here. Don’t try to talk. You’re safe…”

“Maun-Maunon—” The hand moved to rub small circles on her cheek. 

“Lexa, you’re safe. You’re in the medical bay in Arkadia. You got hurt riding with me,” Clarke said. “The Mountain Men are gone, remember?” Slowly, Lexa’s vision started to clear. 

Clarke was standing over her. Her hair was a mess and the circles under her eyes were so dark they looked like war paint. And they were blood shot. 

“Cl-clarke,” Lexa choked out. Clarke smiled weakly.

“Hi.” Something wet ran down Lexa’s arm. She looked down. Blood was dripping from her arm. “You pulled out your IV. I know they’re scary, but you need to keep the tubes and wires in, okay?” Lexa blinked hard, trying to clear her head.

“Heda’s…Heda s’not scared,” she said. Clarke chuckled. 

“It’s okay if Lexa is though,” said Clarke. Lexa closed her eyes again and nodded. She licked her lips.

“Thirsty,” she mumbled. Clarke stepped back a moment, but was back before Lexa could even process it. She held a straw up to Lexa’s lips.

“Slow sips,” she said. Lexa drank hungrily. Some of the water went down the wrong way. She began to cough and splutter. “What did I just say?” Clarke sighed and pulled Lexa upright. Clarke pressed the oxygen mask back over her mouth. She let out a cry in between coughs. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” Lexa realized that she couldn’t hold her weight at all. She looked over at Clarke in horror.

“I can’t—I can’t s-sit—”

“Shh…you hurt your back, Lexa,” said Clarke. She was trying to keep her face calm and her voice soothing, but her façade was beginning to crack. “You’ll be okay.” She sniffled. “Don’t worry about any of that now. Just rest.”

“But H-head cannot—” Clarke almost smiled. Almost.

“I will sedate you, you know,” she said. Lexa blinked slowly. 

“No…no sedating,” she said. Clarke lower her back down. Abby begin to reattach the monitors to Lexa’s chest. Lexa watched with mild interest.

“I’m going to strap this around your head, okay?” Lexa nodded, and Clarke stretched the band of the mask around her head. Clarke grabbed a gauze pad and pressed it to the needle mark in the crook of her arm. “We’re going to need to put this back in, okay?”

“Stop asking…I t-trust you, Clarke,” said Lexa. Lexa’s eyes started drooping. She immediately forced them back open.

“If you trust me, then go to sleep,” Clarke said. She leaned down and kissed Lexa’s forehead. “I’ll be here when you wake up. Promise.” Lexa nodded.

“Okay, Clarke…I trust…” Her eyes drooped closed one last time. Clarke sighed. 

“Mom, could you hand me and IV kit?” she said. Abby reached over and handed her the package.

“Are you sure that you don’t want me to do it?” she asked. 

“No,” said Clarke. “I got it.” Lexa heard the noise of a package ripping open. Something cold brushed against the back of Lexa’s hand. Her hand flinched back. 

“Shh…it’s just me, Lex. Just me,” Clarke said. “Can you be good for me and hold still?” Lexa moaned, but didn’t flinch when Clarke continued with her hand. Lexa heard some footsteps.

“Call me if you need anything, and let me know next times she wakes up. I still need to do a neruo exam,” said Abby. Neuro. Skaikru and their strange words. Clarke must have nodded because the footsteps left. 

Clarke tied something around Lexa’s wrist. 

“Make a fist,” she said. Lexa didn’t move. “I know you’re still awake. It’s easier if you make a fist. It’ll hurt less.” Lexa cracked an eye open. Clarke smiled at her. “Don’t you want to be a good patient for me, Lexa?” 

“G-good for Clarke…” she mumbled. She made a fist.

“Good job,” said Clarke. Clarke pulled on some gloves and tapped the back of Lexa’s hand. “Now, just a little pinch…” Clarke stuck her with a needle, pulled it out, and taped it down before Lexa even realized what had happened. “All done.” Clarke hooked the tube to a bag. “That didn’t hurt, did it?” Lexa just stared at her.

“Now just close your eyes,” Clarke said. “Rest.” Lexa blinked slowly.

“Lay with me.” Clarke cracked a smile. 

“I can’t. I you’re not supposed to move,” she said. Lexa’s chin quivered. Clarke sighed and pressed a kiss to her forehead. Clarke put her head on the pillow next to hers and draped her arm across Lexa’s chest. “Sleep.” Clarke kissed her ear. Lexa turned her head, staring at her with wide eyes. She leaned forehead. Their foreheads touched.

“Ai hod yu in,” said Lexa.

“I love you too.”


	3. Clarke

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 3 as promised. It also has everyone's favorite bro Raven and features awkward step-dad!kane. I dunno why I like the idea of Clarke being uncomfortable with having Kane as a step-dad, but I do. Lexa is gonna love him though. I know this chapter is still kind of short, but I'm still trying to get a feel for everything. As always, feedback of any kind of constructive sort, and suggestions for the direction of this fic are appreciated. I kind of know where I want it to go, but it's all really up in the air right now.

“How’s Commander assface doing?” Clarke jumped. Raven limped behind the curtain. “Sorry. Your mom told me what happened.” Clarke nodded, still not taking her eyes off Lexa. 

“She’s paralyzed,” said Clarke. “From the chest, down.” Raven’s eyes widened. 

“Damn. I’m sorry,” said Raven. Her expression softened. She placed a hand on Clarke’s shoulder. “She’s strong. She’ll be alright.” Clarke nodded, but she didn’t look like she believed her. “And I can make her some braces. She was strong before. That should help? Right?” Clarke shook her head slowly. 

“She can’t move it. It doesn’t matter how strong she was,” Clarke said.

“And your mom can’t do anything? She’s, like, amazing! She fixed me,” said Raven.

“Lexa’s injury is different,” said Clarke. “It, um…” A small sob escaped Clarke’s throat. “I’m so glad she’s alive, but this is going to crush her. She’ll never be the same.” Clarke gasped. “She’ll think she’ll look weak in front of the clans.” Clarke rubbed her face. 

“Hey, don’t worry about that now,” said Raven. “We’ll figure something out, okay? This is Lexa we’re talking about. She’s a badass.” Clarke smirked. “And besides, you shouldn’t be worrying about the Commander right now. You should be worried about your girlfriend.” Clarke gave her a weak smiled. 

“You should have seen her, Raven,” she said. “She kept trying to tell me she was fine.” Raven shook her head. “Would you…help her? With this I mean? Excepting her…” Raven sighed. 

“You really think that Commander Assface is gonna listen to me?” Clarke smirked. Raven awkwardly leaned over the end of the bed. “Does anyone in Polis know?” Clarke didn’t respond. “I understand why you wouldn’t want to tell them, but if the think it was Ice Nation…or if Ice Nation thinks she’s dead…” Clarke nodded. “Want me to send Octavia?” Clarke nodded again. Raven straightened up. “Want me to send in someone else to sit with you?”

“No.”

“Not even Monty? Or Harper? Or Bellamy—”

“Not Bellamy,” said Clarke. Raven raised an eyebrow.

“I know you’re pissed at him for threatening the Collation and everything that happened with Pike—”

“He killed warriors sent to protect us,” Clarke snapped. Raven rubbed her face.

“He got demoted, spent time in lock up. What else do you want?” she asked.

“An apology,” Clarke said.

“Yeah and I would like for my leg to work,” she said. Clarke paused. “Look, Clarke—”

The door to the med bay swung open. As soon as Raven saw who was in the door, she glanced between the two of them. 

“I’m gonna go…” She limped out.

“I came as soon as I heard.” Marcus Kane had always been a bit of a overreactor. So despite the fact that Lexa had only been hurt a few hours so, he already looked like he hadn’t slept in weeks.

“I don’t need you here,” said Clarke.

“How’s she doing?” asked Kane.  
“Why don’t you just ask my mom?” Kane sighed. 

“Clarke, I’m trying—” he began.

“You don’t get to try,” said Clarke. She ran her thumb in circles over Lexa’s hand. “You’re the one who let Pike get elected.”

“Clarke, I’m sorry. I tried,” he said.

“No. You don’t get to do that,” she said. “You don’t get to—” Lexa let out a soft groan. “I’m sorry, baby. I’m sorry I yelled. Go back to sleep.” Clarke ran her hand through Lexa’s hair. Lexa’s shoulders shifted slightly. 

“Cl-clarke.” 

“Lex, go back to sleep,” said Clarke. “You’re fine…”

“I feel funny, Clarke,” said Lexa. Clarke gave her a gentle smile. 

“You got hurt. My mom had to do surgery and give you medicine. You’re in Arkadia,” she said. Lexa looked around. Her eyes stopped on Kane.

“Chancellor Kane…” Lexa tried to sit up. 

“No, Lexa,” she said. She pushed her back. 

“It’s alright, Lexa,” he said. “And I told you to call me Marcus.” Lexa nodded. 

“Marcus…Marcus…” she said. She looked at Clarke. “He’s your dad.” Clarke gave a hollow smile. “How are you, Chancellor-Marcus-Clarke’s dad?” Kane smiled at her.

“I’m doing well. How do you feel?” Lexa paused and looked around.

“Light. And heavy. At the same time,” she said. “I feel strange, Clarke.” Clarke leaned forward and kissed her forehead. 

“You need to rest now,” Clarke said. Lexa stared at Clarke’s face. She reached out. Her hand only lifted up a few inches off the bed. Clarke grabbed it and brought it to her face, kissing it softly.

“Pretty,” Lexa mumbled. “The prettiest girl…” Kane shook his head. He gently placed a hand on Lexa’s knee. Lexa didn’t look over, and Clarke glared at him. He immediately moved his hand and place it on her shoulder. Lexa glanced over. 

“I’m glad you’re okay,” he said. “I’ll come and check on you later.” Lexa nodded blearily. Kane nodded at them and left.

“I like Marcus,” she said. She turned back to Clarke. “Why don’t you like Marcus?” Clarke shook her head. 

“Do you want some water?” asked Clarke. Lexa looked around at the machines and glanced up at the ceiling. 

“Why are there so many strange things attached to me, Clarke?” she asked, sounding surprisingly unbothered.

“You got hurt, Lexa,” she said. Lex nodded, like she was trying to remember. Clarke grabbed a cup of water. “Drink, Lexa.” Lexa obeyed. But her eyes still darted around like she was looking for something. 

“If I was injured, why am I not in pain right now?” she asked, letting go of the straw.

“What do you mean?” asked Clarke. She put the cup down and continued stroking Lexa’s hand.

“This does not feel like any injury I’ve had before,” she said. Clarke let go of Lexa’s hand.

“It’s time for your medicine, Lexa,” she said. Lexa’s hand now rested on her thigh. She stared at it as Clarke bustled around looking for a syringe of the strongest pain meds she could find.

“Clarke…” 

“You’re okay, Lexa. I’ll be right back,” she said. “Hang in there for just one more second.”

“Clarke, why can’t I feel my legs?”


	4. Lexa

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just started my college classes today, so it's going to be a couple days before I can update again. I really enjoy writing this fic, and I hope you all enjoy reading it. I'm totally a whumper, and I love watching poor Lexa suffer. Don't worry though, Clarke will always be there to dry her tears. As always, all the kudos and comments are always appreciated. All of your nice comments are literally the only thing that keeps me going. You guys are awesome!

“This is just an assessment, Lexa,” said Abby, pulling back the blankets. “Just to see where you’re at.” Lexa nodded, her Heda mask already in place. Clarke squeezed her hand, but Lexa didn’t look over. She kept her eyes locked on the ceiling. Clarke glanced over at Abby, who shook her head. She pressed a pen to the arch of Lexa’s foot. 

“Let me know when you can feel it,” Abby said. Lexa nodded curtly. Abby slowly continued pressing the metal pen up Lexa’s leg. Lexa made no sign she felt anything. Clarke looked up at Abby. The pen was slightly over Lexa’s hip bone, approaching her ribs. 

Lexa looked down. 

“I can feel it…” Abby nodded and wrote something down. 

“You’ll likely regain some kind of function as the swelling goes down,” she said. Lexa didn’t react. “I’m going to stretch your legs a bit. It may hurt. But the pain is a good indicator for function returning.”

“I have never heard of pain being described as good before,” said Lexa thickly. Clarke squeezed her hand again. Lexa still did not look at her. Abby gave her a weak smiled. She gently grabbed on of Lexa’s toned legs. Abby pushed it towards her chest. Lexa’s jaw tightened. Clarke ran her hand over Lexa’s locked jaw. Lexa flinched. 

“Shh…relax…” said Clarke. 

“I’m fine, Clarke,” said Lexa. Clarke glanced back over at Abby, who once again, refused to look at her. 

“Are you in pain?” asked Abby evenly.

“There is some discomfort,” said Lexa. Clarke glared at her. This was not the time to be invincible. Abby nodded and put her leg down.

“Alright. Now time for the other one. Take a deep breath.” Lexa turned to Abby. 

“I can handle pain. I’m Heda, commander of the 13 clans. I am a god with the wisdom of—ah!” Her rant was cut off by her own cry. 

“I’m sorry,” said Abby. “Slow deep breaths, Lexa. In and out. When this is over, I’ll give you something for the pain.”

“No,” said Lexa. She gritted her teeth.

“Lexa, you need—” Clarke interrupted Abby shot her a look. She placed Lexa’s leg back on the bed and pulled up the blanket. She raised the head of the bed a little, and Lexa paled.

“Now can you hold your arms straight out in front of you?” Lexa lifted them up. They shook violently. Lexa made a fist, but the shaking continued. She dropped her arms. 

“It’s fine,” she said. “I am fine. Heda is always fine.” 

“But Lexa doesn’t have to be,” said Clarke.

“Heda is Lexa,” said Lexa. “And you must not forget it.” Clarke looked like she was going to argue until Abby shook her head.

“It’s alright,” said Abby. “You need to rest and take it easy for a few days.” Lexa looked like that was not her plan. “I’m going to give you something for the pain.”

“No,” said Lexa. 

“This is not up for debate,” said Abby. She grabbed a syringe and a bottle and began drawing up some medication. “As your doctor, I am prescribing you this to prevent medical conditions that happen as a result of raised heart rate from pain.” Before Lexa had a chance to argue, Abby stuck the syringe into the tube in her arm.

“I don’t want to sleep…” said Lexa, suddenly sounding terrified. Abby smiled at her gently.

“It won’t put you to sleep,” she said. “Just keep you relaxed.” Lexa nodded.

“Were Indra and Titus informed of my accident?” Abby looked at Clarke.

“Not yet…” said Clarke. 

“Please inform them,” said Lexa. Clarke looked over at Abby. Abby nodded.

“I’ll send Octavia,” she said.

“No,” said Lexa. “I wish to speak with you.” She glanced over at Clarke. “Alone.” Clarke’s face fell. She walked out of the room.

“I won’t be able to walk again,” said Lexa.

“Without assistance?” Abby shook her head. 

“And I have other problems from this, don’t I?” she said. “I do not have control over my…bodily functions…” Abby nodded again.

“You have a tube to help you urinate,” she said.

“And…” Lexa shook her head. “I don’t want to know.”

“But we’ll figure something out. I understand this can be devastating,” said Abby.

“You understand nothing,” she said. “I am Heda, the Commander of the 13 clans. I cannot be weak. If I’m weak then…I must speak to Titus.” Fear flashed behind Abby’s eyes.

“Lexa, are you sure? You need to rest and recover…”

“I need to talk to my Fleimkepa,” said Lexa. “Please.” 

“I’ll send Octavia out in the morning,” Abby said. 

“Thank you.” Abby put the syringe in a container and went back to fiddling with the tubes and wires and writing down the numbers from the monitors. When she finished, the pain was finally draining away from her body. 

“I’m going to turn you on your side, okay?” she asked. “It’ll keep you from getting bedsores.” Bedsores. Again with skiakru and their strange words. Lexa nodded. Abby gently grabbed her shoulder and somewhere near the back of her leg and pulled her forward. She flopped over uselessly as Abby tucked pillows around her and repositioned her arms, rubbing it as she went along. 

“Are you comfortable?” Abby said. Lexa nodded. “Would you like Clarke to come back in?” Lexa bit her lip.

“I think I would like to be alone,” she said. 

“Alright,” said Abby. “I’ll be back to check on you in a little while.” 

“Thank you, Abby.” Abby smiled and left with a nod.

And as soon as her footsteps stopped echoing off the halls, the Commander of Blood began to cry.


	5. Clarke

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So thank you all for the feedback from the last chapters especially QueenApples, but I'm super grateful for all you guys. I don't think I'm going to be able to update every day now, so it might slow down to three or four times a week. I'm still getting used to college and by writing this I'm ignoring an essay. The only reason I have any time to do this at all is because not all of my textbooks have come in. But I hope you like this one. I really want this fanfiction to focus not only on Lexa and Clarke and Lexa's healing, but also their relationship with other. Anyway, I hope you all enjoy. Commentsand kudos are always appreciated!!

“What did Lexa want?” asked Clarke.

“Honey, I can’t say. She’s my patient.”

“That’s bullshit. She’s my girlfriend!” Abby gave her a look. “I’m going to go talk to her.”

“She wants to be alone right now.” Clarke turned around and kicked the wall of the ark. 

“Fuck, mom, fuck this is so stupid. This is so unfair,” she screamed. She leaned her head against the wall, her shoulders shaking. Abby placed a hand on her shoulder.

“I know. I’m so sorry. I know how much you love her.” Clarke shook her head.

“She can’t be the Commander if she’s paralyzed. The coalition will see her as weak…” Clarke shook her head. “She’s going to do something stupid.” Abby sighed. 

“Injuries like this aren’t just physically complicated but also emotionally. Lexa is Lexa. I’m confidant if she really wanted to, she could regain back significant function,” Abby said. 

“Did you tell her that?” Clarke asked. Abby sighed again.

“You know it won’t be enough for her unless she’s back to 100%,” she said.

“So what? You’re saying I should just give up on her? Like you gave up on Dad?” Clarke demanded. 

“No, Clarke. I’m staying it’s going to be hard to convince her that she can still be Lexa even though she’s hurt,” said Abby. “But I think you can do it.” Abby paused. “She wants to speak to Titus.”

“No.”

“Clarke—”

“No, Mom,” she said. “You know what he’ll say to her.”

“No, I don’t and you don’t either.” Clarke rolled her eyes angrily.

“You know how their culture is mom! You think they’re going to let someone physically weak lead their people,” said Clarke.

“If you’re trying to help Lexa, that’s the last thing you should be thinking,” she said.

“You told her she would never walk again,” Clarke snapped.

“That was a fact—”

“This is a fact too and you know it, Mom,” said Clarke. “I’m going to lose her.” Clarke turned around and left without another word.  
***  
Clarke’s old bed in Arkadia was cold, but she didn’t know where else to go. If Lexa wanted to be alone, she would be too. After trying to nap for a good hour, she was about ready to give up when there was a desperate knock on the door.

“Clarke!” Lincoln? Clarke scrambled to her feet and opened the door. Lincoln stood outside of it, breathless.

“Lexa had a nightmare,” said Lincoln. “She doesn’t know where she is. She keeps yelling for you and—” Clarke sprinted down the hall. She could hear muffled sobs and screams before she even got to the med bay. She ran in and wrenched back the curtain.

Lexa was attempting to sit up. Her eyes were darting around, like she wasn’t seeing anything. Her knuckles were white from where they gripped onto the bedrail.

“Cl-clarke, Clarke, Clarke…where…where Clarke…please…” Lexa muttered. Clarke threw her arms around her shoulder and pressed Lexa’s face to her collar bone. “Clarke…” she sobbed.

“Shh…I got you, Lexa,” she said. “You’re in Arkadia. You’re safe.” Lexa sobbed harder.

“Hurts, Clarke,” she said. Clarke looked over at Lincoln. He shrugged helplessly.

“The pain meds should still be in effect,” he said. He paused. “Wait…” He pulled up the blanket. Lexa had pulled out her catheter in her sleep. Lincoln and Clarke exchanged a look. “She’s not going to like that going back in. Do you want me to sedate her?”

“No. I got her. I can do,” she said. Lincoln looked at her skeptically. 

“Are you sure?” Clarke started rocking Lexa against her chest. 

“Yeah. I got her. I got you, Lex…shh…” Lexa continued to sob. Clarke nodded at Lincoln once again, an =d he left.

“I need you to take slow, deep breaths for me, Lexa,” she said. “I don’t want you to pass out.” Lexa pressed her face harder into Clarke’s chest. ‘Feel my chest. In…and out…” 

“Clarke…” she mumbled.

“I’m here. I’m fine. You’re fine. Everything is okay. You’re safe,” Clarke said.

“I c-can’t. It hurts…” 

“What hurts? Tell me what hurts?” asked Clarke. Lexa didn’t respond. Clarke closed her eyes and tried to think of something, anything, that could calm Lexa down. In the back of her head was a very foggy memory of a song. Something Lexa had sang to one of the young nightbloods when they were injured in training. She couldn’t remember the words but…

She started humming and rocking Lexa in tune to the humming. Lexa gripped onto her tighter for a second before totally relaxing in her arms.

“There we go,” she said. “There it is.”

“Clarke…”

“I’m here. It’s okay,” she said. Lexa wrapped her fingers in the thick material of Clarke’s t-shirt. “You’re doing such a good job.” After a few minutes, Lexa’s breathing evened out.

“What a good girl,” said Clarke. Lexa let out a low moan in response. Clarke smirked. “Lexa, can you look at me please?” Lexa pressed her face farther into Clarkes chest. Clarke reached down and pulled up Lexa’s chin. Her eyes were really watery, and her pupils were the size of nickels. Clarke tucked a strang of hair behind her ear.

“Lexa.” Lexa nodded. “You pulled the tube out of your bladder. I need to put it back.” Lexa nodded again. “It’s going to be uncomfortable.” Lexa nodded a third time. Clarke kiss her forehead and leaned her back against the bed. Clarke grabbed the catheter kit and began prepping it. She could feel Lexa’s eyes on her.

“It’s okay,” she said. She pulled out some of the tubes and a syringe. “I know it looks scary, but it’ll be okay.” She made eye contact with Lexa and gave her a reassuring smile.

“I’m not scared, Clarke,” she said. She blinked slowly. “I’m tired.” 

“You can rest. This will only take a second. Even less if you can relax,” Clarke said. Lexa shook her head.

“Not…that kind of tired…I think my fight is over, Clarke…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I know I was just complaining earlier about not having any time, but I have a burning idea for a fanfic and I wanna know if anyone is actually interested in reading it. 
> 
> So: MedStudent! Clarke is a rugby player (because all the rugby girls at my school are so hot I swear to god) who needs a little extra cash to get herself through med school, so she becomes and aid for autistic! Lexa, who is going to be high-functioning enough to give consent and all and the two of them are going to sneak behind Lexa's parents back and fall in gay love together. I don't have a real idea for a plot yet, but it's gonna be the fluffiest and angstiest thing you've ever read. It also might end up being triggering for abuse, but I dunno yet. Lemme know in the comments if you would be interested. It would take me a while to write it, but I wanna know if it's worth it.
> 
> As always, you guys are awesome.


	6. Lexa

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Thanks so much for the comments! I appreciate your responses so much I'm gonna cry! You guys have had such nice things to say about this story, and I'm super grateful for all the feedback. **SLIGHT TRIGGER WARNING FOR SUICIDE MENTIONS** I personally hate when characters have entire conversations in Trig so I just put everything that's supposed to be in Trig in italics. This chapter was originally going to include the convo between Lexa and Titus but I decided to save it for next time. Please don't be too mad at me! It might take me a few days to get Chapter 7 up, and it will be from Lexa's POV again. I'm hoping to have it up by Friday, but between homework and making friends, I don't have too much free time. Thanks again. As always comments and kudos are appreciated.

Lexa was surprisingly comfortable in her bed. She was wrapped in something soft. Some furs and some of the skaikru blankets that Clarke and her always shared in Polis. There was something warm and soft near her face. Lexa blinked. She reached over and nudged Clarke’s head. Her hair was soft and smelled sweet. Lexa nuzzled her nose in it. She tried not to think about the odd pain that radiated through her legs and hips. Lexa shakily lifted her arm and ran her hand through Clarke’s hair. A small smile flashed across Clarke’s face.

“Good morning, Clarke,” said Lexa. Clarke opened her eyes. She leaned over and kissed her on the lips. Lexa grinned. For a moment, everything was okay. They were nirons. They were simply in love. 

“Hey, baby,” Clarke said. “Are you feeling a little better?” Lexa pressed her face into Clarke’s hair again. 

“No,” said Lexa.

“Tell me what you’re thinking, Lex,” said Clarke. “Please.” Lexa took several deep breaths.

“Clarke, I cannot lead like this—”

“Can you think about something other than being the Commander?” said Clarke. “You are not just the Commander. You are allowed to be scared, and you are allowed to be hurt.” Lexa turned away.

“No, Clarke. I am not.” Clarke sat up and violently pushed her hair from her face. 

“Lexa, please—” The pleading was too much. Lexa knew she had to be strong if she wanted to be able to do this. In the end, it would be for her people. For Clarke.

“Leave.” Clarke’s jaw dropped.

“I can’t leave you like this,” she said softly. “I love you too much.” Lexa bit her lip. 

“You don’t understand what this is like,” she said. 

“That’s because you won’t tell me,” Clarke said. “Please let me help you.”

“I can’t be helped,” said Lexa. Clarke shook her head.

“Lexa, please don’t do anything—” Lexa lifted her chin and suddenly Lexa was gone. Before Clarke sat the Commander.

“Leave.” Clarke’s jaw quivered. 

“I love you,” said Clarke. She walked out. The door slammed behind her. Lexa flinched.

“Ai hod yu in,” she mumbled. 

She was left alone for only a few minutes before the door creaked open. Lexa pushed herself up and groaned.

“It’s only me, Heda.” Lincoln walked in pushing a cart. “I need to take car if your wounds. Clarke thought you would prefer if she did it, but she seems…upset.” Lexa grunted. “I’m going to roll you on your side now.” With a great amount of gentle precision, Lincoln rolled her towards him. He wedged some pillows underneath her. “Are you comfortable?”

“Yes. Thank you.” Lincoln began working on peeling off the bandage. 

“What did you do to offend Clarke to greatly?” he asked. 

“It does not concern you,” Lexa said. Lincoln nodded. Lexa felt something cold press up against her back.

“When did you become a skaikru healer?” asked Lexa, trying to distract herself from the mounting pain. Lincoln smirked.

“I am not quite a skaikru healer,” he said. “Abby calls me a…nurse? It’s an apprentice healer, in a way.” Lexa nodded. 

“Even with all your experience, you are under Abby?” asked Lexa. 

“It’s more complicated than that,” said Lincoln. He paused. “I don’t know how to explain it in Trigedasleng.” Lexa smirked and tried not to flinch as Lincoln pressed against her back again.

“You’ve become so integrated in their culture,” said Lexa.

“You have too, Lexa,” he said. “After all, you are dating the Sky Princess.” Lexa snorted. 

“She hates that,” she said. “Being the Sky Princess. She wishes that we could just be nirons…”

“Maybe you could be,” said Lincoln. Lexa scoffed.

“You know what tradition dictates if a Commander does not die an honorable death,” she said.

“Since when have you ever followed tradition?” he replied. Lexa didn’t reply. Lincoln finished with the bandages. “Titus and Indra should be here soon,” said Lincoln. He stopped cleaning. “You know Clarke’s going to try to keep them from seeing you?” Lexa nodded. “And she does have a point. It's been barely two days.” 

“Are you questioning your Heda?” asked Lexa.

“I'm questioning my patient,” he said. Lexa sighed.

“Why does everyone keep insisting I am not Heda?” she mumbled.

“They are not insisting you are not Heda. They are insisting you are more than just Heda.” Lexa rolled her eyes. 

“Do not let Clarke interfere,” said Lexa. She yawned. “That's an order.” 

“Yes, Heda,” he said. “But in the meantime, rest.” She nodded and closed her eyes…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I received interesting responses to my other fic idea. I really appreciated them. A lot of people suggested that I do a role reversal with Clarke which would be pretty interesting although I'm not entirely sure how I would do it. I am toying with the idea. However, for this fic, I think I am going to do a modified version of my original. But I just wanted to make it clear that Lexa wasn't going to be abused because she's gay. It was going to be because she was autistic. I'm probably going to have it up in the next few days, possibly before chapter 7 of this. Lemme know if you guys have any other suggestions, even if I don't always listen to them!


	7. Lexa

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here it is, finally--the talk with Titus. This is only really the beginning. I think the story might last longer than 15 chapters. I didn't get much feedback on the last chapter, I know these two have been kind of short, but I'm writing them in between starting college class and making new friends and doing homework. Let me know if you guys would prefer longer waits and longer chapters--like maybe 1500 words--or more frequent updates and shorter--probably 700ish to 1000 words. TRIGGER WARNING FOR TALK OF SUICIDE As always any kudos and comments would be appreciated. They motivate me to write.

“She just had major surgery two days ago. She on a ton of medication. You can't expect her to be the Commander right now.”

“Clarke--”

“Mom, no,” she said. “I'm stopping them.” The door to the medbay opened. Lexa cracked her eyes open enough to see Clarke through the opening of the curtain.

“Clarke, you have to let Lexa decide,” said Abby.

“She’s not deciding; she’s giving up,” Clarke said. Abby sighed. Just then, the door swung open.

“Where is Leksa?” Lexa took a deep breath and sat up, wincing. Titus and Indra stormed in with a slightly bemused Murphy in a baggy robe like Titus’ on their tail.

“Heda,” Indra gasped. Lexa tightened her jaw.

“Indra,” Lexa said shortly. 

“Damn, you’re fucked up,” said Murphy.

“Strik-Fleimkepa, you will know your place!” Titus bellowed. Lexa raised an eyebrow at Murphy.

“You will respect your Heda,” she said.

“Or what? You’ll drag yourself over to me?” asked Murphy. Lexa pulled herself up.

“You will respect me, Murphy kom Skaifru,” said Lexa. “I will not say it again.” Murphy stared at her a moment.

“Yes, Heda,” he said. He bowed and glanced over to Titus. “I apologize.” Titus looked skeptical. Lexa glanced between them.

“It is time for the ritual,” said Lexa. Indra and Titus exchanged a look. 

“The ritual?” asked Murphy. 

“The koma-wamplei,” Indra said. The wheels in Murphy’s head turned.

“You’re going to kill yourself?” he asked. 

“Stay in your place,” barked Titus. Lexa closed her eyes and rubbed her forehead.

“Stay out of things you don’t understand,” she said. 

“But I’m supposed to understand,” he said. “I’m supposed to take over all this bullshit when baldly here kicks the bucket. I need to know why you want to kill yourself when you’re just a little hurt.” With a swiftness she didn’t realize she still possessed, she sat forward and grabbed the front of Murphy’s robe.

“One more comment and I will have your tongue.” 

“There’s our mighty Heda,” he said. “See? This is why you shouldn’t take the cowards way out and off yourself like a little bitch.”

“I will have your head,” said Indra, unsheathing her sword.

“Indra,” snapped Lexa. Her and Murphy glared at each other, their faces only a few inches apart. Pain seeped into Lexa’s features. And Murphy could tell. 

“Clarke would never forgive herself,” he said. “Never.”

“Why do you care?” asked Lexa. 

“Because if Clarke goes on a self-imposed exile and you die, everything goes to shit,” he said. “You two are the only people holding any of this together. And I don’t want to die. Or be tortured again. Killing yourself is not what’s best for your people. It’s selfish.” Without any warning or conscious thought, Lexa pulled back her arm and hit him right in the face. Even in her weakened state, Murphy stumbled back, clutching his gushing nose.

“I’m your Heda, Strik-Fleimkepa,” she said. “Your job is to advise me. If I want it. You are to never tell me what to do again. Do you understand?”

“Fuck off,” he said. He stumbled out of the room.

“I apologize, Heda,” Titus said. “I will punish him—”

“No,” said Lexa. 

“But, Heda…”

“No,” she said. Her body shook slightly. Indra’s face had a soft edge to it as she leaned her mighty Commander back in her bed.

“Mochof,” mumbled Lexa. Indra nodded. Lexa’s face hardened again.

“When can we perform koma-wamplei?” she asked. 

“The ceremony must be done in front of all the ambassadors of the clans and they must all agree to it,” said Titus.

“You and I both know that won’t be a problem,” said Lexa. 

“The ambassadors are set to convene in a rotation,” said Titus. “We will begin preparations when the date is closer.”

“Mochof, Titus,” said Lexa. “I will talk with Indra alone now.” Titus nodded and left. Lexa turned to Indra.

“You seem troubled,” Lexa said. Indra’s posture was firm and rigid, but something about it seemed off. Even in Lexa’s drugged state, she could read Indra like a book.

“Lexa, may I speak freely?” Indra said. Lexa nodded. “I think the skaikru thief may be…may have a point…” Lexa watched Indra carefully. “Heda, you have kept peace for so long, longer than any other Commander in history and with the threat of Azgeda...”

“I am doing this because of Azgeda,” said Lexa. “I cannot seem weak in front of them—”

“But the new Commander will. Or worse, she could be one of them,” said Indra.

“It is my decision, Indra,” said Lexa. “Know your place as I know mine.”


	8. Clarke

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys. I know it's been a while. I was working on other fanfictions (You should check out The Highs and Lows of functions, my other ff), and I had school work and all this other stuff came up. I'm not going to be updating every day, but I'll try maybe a couple times a week until finals. I really hope you guys are still interested in this and that you still like it. Comments and kudos appreciated.
> 
> And hey, thanks.

Clarke paced anxiously outside the med bay. She ran her hand through her hair and every few minutes, she’d stop and stare at the door. Something horrible was happening. She could feel it in the pit of her stomach. 

“Stop pacing, princess.” Clarke whipped around.

“Leave.” Bellemy rolled his eyes. He flopped down on the floor next to Clarke. 

“No,” he said. “You look like you need some company.” His eyes watched her walk back and forth across the room.

“I don’t need company. I need Lexa to be okay,” said Clarke. 

“Well, I can’t give you that,” said Bellemy.

“I know,” snapped Clarke. “Stop trying to help. I don’t need your help. I need—” Clarke’s voice cracked. “I need Lexa. I can’t…” She choked out a sob. The door to the med bay swung open.

Murphy ran his hand through his hair.

“You need to talk to Commander Assface. Now,” said Murphy. Clarke looked up at him.

“W-what?” asked Clarke. 

“Commander is going to do something…bad,” he said. 

“What?” Clarke asked. Murphy shook his head.

“I can’t tell you,” he said.

“Why?” asked Clarke.

“Titus made me swear to—wait a second. I don’t care,” he said. “You’re gonna wanna sit down for this, Princess.” Clarke’s face blanched. 

“Oh God.”

“Just sit down,” said Murphy. “Fuck. Please.” Clarke sunk down against the wall. Murphy sighed and rubbed his face.

“Most commanders don’t survive getting critically injured,” he began. “They aren’t supposed to. A commander must be strong and be able to lead their people into battle. When a commander can’t do that, they off themselves in a ceremony called koma-wamplei.”

“Honor death?” said Clarke. Murphy nodded.

“When you’re a cripple, it’s more honorable to off yourself than to keep on living that way. They could have a good, able-bodied commander, but instead, they have her,” he said. 

“So she wants to kill herself,” said Bellemy. Murphy nodded.

“Pretty much,” he said.

“Fuck,” said Clarke. She punched the wall behind her. “Fuck. She can’t die. I can’t…” Titus walked out. “You…” Clarke ran at him and grabbed him by his robes.

“Clarke!” said Bellemy. 

“You animal, she’s going to die! I saved her, but she’s going to die because of you!” She hit him once, twice. Bellemy reached to grab her arm but she sent him a glare. He stepped back. 

“I’m doing w-what needs to be done,” said Titus. 

“You bastard!” she yelled. 

“Clarke!” Clarke turned to Indra. She stood at the door fuming. “Let Titus go. Talk some sense into Heda.” Clarke couldn’t believe it. “Go. Now. She needs you.” Clarke let go of Titus. She walked into Lexa’s room like a zombie. 

“Lexa…” she said. Lexa sat up.

“Clarke?” Lexa sounded so small and fragile. And scared. 

“Lexa…you can’t…you can’t kill yourself,” Clarke said. “I won’t let you. I can’t let you. Lexa, what about your people.” Lexa’s Commander mask slip on.

“My people will be better off without me,” she said. Clarke groaned.

“No, they won’t. You’re the best commander they’ve ever had!” You can still lead!” Clarke said.

“A real warrior doesn’t fight from a chair,” said Lexa.

“How are you so calm? How are you so calm about leaving me, Lexa?” yelled Clarke. Lexa’s face fell.

“I’m not leaving you, Clarke. The new Commander—”

“I don’t want the new Commander. I want you. This isn’t about our people. This is about us. I can’t lose my niron,” said Clarke. Tears dripped down her face. 

“What about me, Clarke? This is not just about you! I can’t be strong anymore!” said Lexa. 

“I know this is about you. You’re being selfish! You have to live for your people. You have to live for me!” said Clarke. “If you won’t live for you, at least do that.”

“Clarke, I can’t.” Lexa’s voice cracked. “It hurts so much.” Clarke threw her arms around Lexa shoulders. Lexa pushed her nose into Clarke’s shoulder. Clarke rubbed small circles on Lexa’s back. 

“I’m sorry, Lex,” said Clarke. “I know this is hard. I’m so sorry. I just can’t lose you.” Lexa shook and sobbed quietly. “We can make this better, okay? We can…we can come up with something. My mom and I can figure something out to help the pain go away. Raven can help come up with a brace. Get you back on your feet. Please just let us help you…” Lexa clawed onto the back of Clarke’s shirt. “Shh…I got you, Lexa. I got you, baby.” Clarke sat at the edge of the bed and put Lexa on her lap. Lexa basically burrowed into her skin. 

“Cl-Clarke…” she mumbled. Clarke started rocking her gently and humming softly. “Clarke. I-I don’t wanna die…but I can’t live l-like this.” Clarke nodded. 

“Okay, Lexa. We can make it better,” said Clarke. “You just have to give us a chance.” Lexa sniffled and nodded. “And you have to try.” Lexa nodded again.

“If by the date the ceremony has to be held, I am not better then…I will end my life,” she said. Clarke froze. “That’s two weeks.” Clarke’s chest constricted. “Please make me want to live…”


End file.
